Buddha5440
Well-known member
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty rolls a save vs disintegration.
The Best D&D Jokes Thread... Make me laugh, I dares ya!
- Thread starter LeslieWest_GuitarGod
- Start date
LeslieWest_GuitarGod
Well-known member
Why did the Halfling stop dating his Warforged girlfriend?
Because she was too high maintenance...
Because she was too high maintenance...
LeslieWest_GuitarGod
Well-known member
Seld The Gray Sister, Intelligence Collector, in House P, just shared this "Tome: Computer Technology of the 20th Century" with me. Please enjoy....
Remember when.......
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3.5" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens, they will wish they were dead.
Remember when.......
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3.5" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens, they will wish they were dead.
LeslieWest_GuitarGod
Well-known member
L'Handtro of the Salty Wench Tavern and Astra Quinlin of the Sliver Flame are out playing golf one day. L'Handtro is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
Astra says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
L'Handtro then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Astra says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
L'Handtro then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
LeslieWest_GuitarGod
Well-known member
A half orc wizard and a human wizard went to the Rusty Nail tavern after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the half orc bet the human $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the half orc gave the human $50.
The human said, "I can't take this, you're my friend.
But the half orc insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."
Then the human said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The half orc wizard replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
Sure enough, he jumped, so the half orc gave the human $50.
The human said, "I can't take this, you're my friend.
But the half orc insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."
Then the human said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The half orc wizard replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
LeslieWest_GuitarGod
Well-known member
What do you call a bard with no hands?
No holds Bard
No holds Bard
Deathbringer
Grim Lord of the Dead + Since 2010 +
Ok, one time I met a priest who was cursed and couldn’t cast Create Water. I told him to get well soon...
Deathbringer
Grim Lord of the Dead + Since 2010 +
Another, what do you call an aarakocra Cleric? A bird of pray. 
Deathbringer
Grim Lord of the Dead + Since 2010 +
What do you call a Wizard who spouts misleading, biased information of a political nature? Propagandalf...
Ok, I'm leaving
Ok, I'm leaving
sebastianosmith
Member
Why was the gnome artificer embarrassed when his clockwork crocodile stopped working?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why are tabaxi podiatrist good with money?
Because they’re experienced bean counters.
Our cleric will sometimes stop the combat just to have a drink with his god!
He calls it ‘The wine intervention’.
What do you call a thousand-year-old fey?
A Millenielf
What is that mineral called that’s just out of reach and gives you a choice?
Ether Ore.
Did you guys hear about the magic skillet?
It’s made of cast iron.
What happened to the demon when his girlfriend joined the Holy Order?
He got FIEND-ZONED.
How do you call a magician who’s incredibly good with cooking?
A sauceror.
My warlock got hit in the face pretty hard last session and lost a tooth,
He now has to wear Braces of Defense.
What do you call an Ent in a blizzard?
Shiver-me-Timbers… brrrrr….
Why did the Drow become a comedian?
For the Lolth.
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why are tabaxi podiatrist good with money?
Because they’re experienced bean counters.
Our cleric will sometimes stop the combat just to have a drink with his god!
He calls it ‘The wine intervention’.
What do you call a thousand-year-old fey?
A Millenielf
What is that mineral called that’s just out of reach and gives you a choice?
Ether Ore.
Did you guys hear about the magic skillet?
It’s made of cast iron.
What happened to the demon when his girlfriend joined the Holy Order?
He got FIEND-ZONED.
How do you call a magician who’s incredibly good with cooking?
A sauceror.
My warlock got hit in the face pretty hard last session and lost a tooth,
He now has to wear Braces of Defense.
What do you call an Ent in a blizzard?
Shiver-me-Timbers… brrrrr….
Why did the Drow become a comedian?
For the Lolth.
Jack Jarvis Esquire
Well-known member
An elf, a dragonborn, and a dorf go into a pub and order a pint of grog each.
As they are served a fly lands in each of their drinks.
The elf turns up his nose and returns his drink for a fresh one.
The dragonborn downs his pint, grog fly and all.
The dorf picks the fly out of his grog and yells at it "Haw! That grog's mine! Spit it oot ya wee buggr! Spit it OOT!"
As they are served a fly lands in each of their drinks.
The elf turns up his nose and returns his drink for a fresh one.
The dragonborn downs his pint, grog fly and all.
The dorf picks the fly out of his grog and yells at it "Haw! That grog's mine! Spit it oot ya wee buggr! Spit it OOT!"
Jack Jarvis Esquire
Well-known member
What did the Tiefling say when beaten by the Tabaxi in the Orien waggiest tail competition?
"I'm disappointed I lost. It's a total cat ass trophy!"
"I'm disappointed I lost. It's a total cat ass trophy!"
LeslieWest_GuitarGod
Well-known member
An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"